I'm Miss M. Here are some of my Online Dating tips, backed up by my sometimes hilarious, and often disconcerting stories…
Last you heard from me, I was in the front seat of my car pashing the man of my absolute dreams. Mr Amazing. I had to pinch myself – but I was too busy pinching his bum. Reow!
Two hours later, we finally decided to parts ways (lips). I was tempted to invite him home, but we both had to work early the next day. Plus there was no point in rushing things… We had all the time in the world. Or so I thought.
We texted almost every day after our glorious second date, but sadly didn’t find time to catch up. Being an important finance person, he had several interstate meetings to go be important at. Also, I had a pre-booked overseas trip coming up. If I had’ve known I’d start falling for an Internet man, I may not have booked it (this is why I can’t go on The Bachelor – I WOULD be the cray chick) but hey, a sista needs a holiday.
We stayed in touch while I was away. The communication was nothing mind-blowing, but it was sweet and made me feel assured we were going places (happy places, full of love, laughter and raunch). So when I returned home, I texted him to catch up. I also included a super witty joke about all the post-travel clothes I had to wash. Because that’s just how witty I am.
He replied with an equally witty text about how he could come over and help me do the washing. Cute, but it was weird too. Because he followed up with a second text, clarifying that he was coming over, “Just to help” and do, “Nothing else.”
That’s like saying I’m going to a bar and only drinking water. The more I say it, the less true it becomes.
His intentions were not pure. But that’s cool, because neither were mine. The only clothes I was thinking about were the ones I wanted to rip off him. In my fantasies: I would’ve said YES. He’d smash through my front door… Throw the luggage off my bed… Sweep me literally off my feet and… Use your imagination (I am).
But in reality: I was tired, hungover, bloated and feeling very unsexy. So I told him to hold that thought – we could grab dinner when I’m recovered. I thought he’d be totally up for that. But to my surprise, he didn’t respond. I was tempted to panic (I panicked). But I told myself to be cool. He’d get in touch when he found the time.
A week went by.
I stayed calm. Translation: I definitely did not stay calm. I felt sick. But I pushed through the screaming tantrums in my brain to construct an easy-breezy text:
Way to leave a lady hanging! Haha are things all good with you?
I really feel like the, “Haha” helped undercut the accusation of leaving, “A lady hanging.” And see how unselfish I was by asking him how, “Things” are?! A+! If this writing thing doesn’t work out, I am totally going to teach classes on how to seduce Internet people with endearing texts. But would you believe…
He didn’t write back.
WTF?! Now now, inhale… exhale… Let’s not play naive. I’m sure we’ve all been in a situation where a potential lover has seized contact. Right?! Please say you’ve been there too?
The natural thing to do is rationalise:
My ego told me to let it go. A man who doesn’t communicate is no man for me (like it’s really my decision at this point!) But my stupid heart reminded me how long it’d been since I actually liked a dude. Like, really liked a dude. A lot. And the thing is, he told me that he really liked me too. I know people say shit they don’t mean all the time. But he did it impulsively…
… It was half way through our last dinner. I was ranting about work and how annoying people can be. In between offering ridiculously empathetic advice, he interrupted saying, “I like you so much more than I thought I would.”
I asked him what that meant. Because it kind of sounded like an insult. But he clarified – he could tell I was a bubbly and fun person. But he had no idea I was so fiery too. He said that’s what he really liked about me… That I wasn’t afraid to express how I was feeling, no matter how dark.
So, with that in mind, I decided to express exactly how I was feeling… By sending another text. (Oh God, help us.):
Hey! We don’t really know each other so you don’t owe me anything. But being who I am, I have to pull you up on the fact that you’ve been gutless. You should’ve cut me off properly instead of going quiet (a simple text would’ve done it). P.S – If there is something actually wrong in your world (there’s no way for me to know) I hope things get better soon!
Sure, it’s a little intense. But I’m proud of it to this day. Because it said everything I wanted to, no matter how dark. But what do you know…
He didn’t write back.
I couldn’t even pretend I wasn’t devo. Meanwhile, I’m not an idiot… Online Dating is undoubtedbly dangerous. We know nothing of these people’s worlds. He could have a wife for all I know!
Still, I pride myself on my strong instincts. And my instincts told me he was a great dude… And potentially my great romance. The fact that he couldn’t even dignify that hope with a response was utter crap. And it was bloody scary too… If I was wrong about him, how may other things have I been wrong about?!
Woah, can’t go down that black hole, so let’s get back to him…
Knowing for reals that it was over, I prepared myself to move the hell on. I went back on Ebay for love and searched for profiles to distract myself with. But it was futile… And proved that he was the diamond in a pool of gym selfies, strange pets and serial killer eyes. So I did the next best thing and got really wasted with my closest mates.
Three drinks in, I was having a ball. I felt strong, sexy, and like I had my whole life ahead of me. Some dumb Internet man (no matter how hot) was NOT going to let me lose hope in love. No way.
Then I had three more drinks.
And I got a bit ranty… Why was I letting a dumb Internet man make me lose hope in love?! Argh. My friends were wonderful – as they always are. My bestie came up with an entire backstory for him and tried to convince me that he had anger management issues – Which is why he buried himself in work. And why he loved my “dark side.” He was most likely giving up Online Dating to focus on his mental health. Made sense.
But my bestie’s partner pointed out that I still deserved an explanation. He was leaning towards the possibility that Mr Amazing had genuinely lost his phone and all of my contact details. So my mate offered to prank call him… Just to see if he answers?
Three more drinks.
And that felt like a wonderful idea.
This was obvs going to end badly. But just how badly? Well, I never could’ve imagined…