I'm Miss M. Here are some of my Online Dating tips, backed up by my sometimes hilarious, and often disconcerting stories…
Okay people, strap yourselves in (or on) and get ready for some raunch!
So I was telling you about my second date with Mr Amazing. The one I had to wait 3 weeks for. But also the one that was totally worth it because of all the laughs and tingles and soft-shell crab tacos (not a euphemism – yet). We’d finished dinner and hit our vino quota. But neither of us wanted to call it a night.
Every part of my hotblooded womanhood wanted to invite him home. But I also just wanted to keep talking to him. Boring, right? Wrong. It was far from boring. This was the first time I’d felt a spark with an Internet man… Like a real spark, not a spark I invented because I’m scared of dying alone and bringing shame upon my family. I didn’t want to jump the gun and lose the chance to get to know him on an innocent level. There’d be plenty of time for all the other stuff.
As I deliberated with the voices in my head and the waiters stared, willing us to make a freaking decision, Mr Amazing said the most AMAZING thing:
We should find a cafe and get a tea. I could murder an English breakfast.
SOUTMATE. SOULMATE. SOULMATE.
No, that’s not how I responded, thank God… Though I wouldn’t put it past me after 3 wines. But his invitation was the best thing. It meant he wanted to chat to me too… That doesn’t happen very often! So tea is what we did. And it was just as hot and steamy (and leafy?) as you’d imagine.
But first we had to move my car. You see it was in a limited parking spot. Boring, right? Wrong again. As we drove looking for a park my super cool 90s pop and hip-hop mix came on. I went to turn it off in shame but he stopped me. Little did he know that Savage Garden was up next. He took it like a trooper and we sang along like old mates. And then a Police car drove past and I freaked out because of the wine but he put his hand on my knee to assure me it’d be okay and OMG I just orgasmed even thinking about it.
We strolled down the street looking for an open cafe. All I wanted to do is wrap my arms around his broad shoulders and lick his neck. But I contained myself. Unfortunately.
Still, I had to do something. This date couldn’t just end with a cup of tea! Oh how hormones force us to contradict ourselves. So I took a deep breath and made a move. That’s right… I…
I held his hand.
For a second I feared he’d throw me off and declare we’re just friends. It’s happened before people, and it’s not pretty. But he didn’t. He simply looked at me, smiled, and held my hand too. Argh I just orgasmed again. Yes, it’s that easy. But you see I hadn’t had an Internet hand-hold yet. Sure I’d drunkenly made out with Mr Reliable who sadly turned into Mr Needy. But I hadn’t experienced such a simple (sober) moment of closeness in ages. And it was lovely.
Anyhoo, we found an outdoor table and got two much anticipated pots of tea. And that’s when he told me he had something important he wanted to get off his chest.
This is where he tells me he’s married, or gay, or that I’m on Candid Camera. I was sure of it. He went on to say it’s important I know this because I talk so passionately about India and my cultural heritage.
Holy F*#&… He’s a RACIST?!
I was about to drown my face in my scorching hot tea. But I decided to hear him out first. And this is how his story went…
When he first started out as a finance person (technical term) he and his mate travelled through South East Asia (getting really worried now). After seeing the adversity people faced they set up a charity fund (okay… phew, and yay). It started gaining real traction. They’d found investors and even made a logo (that’s when you know something’s serious). But then he got so caught up in his studies and career progression that he didn’t take it any further.
“And?” I asked. And he said that was it. He felt selfish, and like a failure. But he promised that once he’s where he wants to be, he’ll get back to it… And perhaps even branch out to India.
Was this guy for freaking REAL?! If I saw him on a TV show, I’d think the writers were drunk. But no. This was reality. And I was sipping tea with a God.
I have to admit I felt fairly inadequate. My version of changing the world is to smile at strangers and write cool shit that hopefully makes people happy. But he said that was inspiring too, and that he couldn’t wait to see my stuff on the big screen. Oh, there goes another orgasm.
I was dying of feelings of love that shouldn’t come into play so early into knowing someone. So when he started walking me to my car, I did something I’ve never done (sober) before…
I wrapped both of my arms around him and kissed him.
I kissed him so hard he probs couldn’t breath. But I didn’t care. This was going to be my very own ‘Romeo and Juliet’ romance. Except I wasn’t going to stab myself at the end of it. Mr Amazing finally came up for air and said:
People are watching us.
I turned around to see a group of families and drunkards were in fact staring. Normally this would bother subconscious little me, but I was so in the moment that I threw myself back at him. But he pulled away and said he felt weird getting hot and heavy on a street corner. Whatevs. I’m not done here. Stop being so perfect.
Little did I know I was dealing with quite a sly cat… When we reached my car and said our goodbyes, I got into the driver’s seat. But before I could go anywhere he helped himself to the passenger seat and JUMPED ME. And that’s where we sat for two hours…
Pashing. Like nobody’s business.
We stopped for chats in between and I finally felt comfortable enough to ask him why the freak he went silent on me for three weeks. Was he really that busy? He said that he was, but he also didn’t want to hound me with texts. He’d feared that he’d made a bad impression on me on the first date because he was wound up after work. Um, no. I told him his “impression” was just fine and that he could “hound” me any time he wanted to.
And we kissed some more. It was divine. But then I got hit by a pang of dread. I don’t even know why. But all of a sudden this whole deal seemed a little too good to be true.
Was my stupid heart being cray? Or was it protecting me from impending heartbreak?