I'm Miss M. Here are some of my Online Dating tips, backed up by my sometimes hilarious, and often disconcerting stories…
Would you believe it? Just as I was ready to buy 109 kittens, Mr Amazing typed his way into my life. And something in my heart (blind optimism) told me that our date was going to be, well… Let’s find out shall we?
Mr Amazing was like the Ross to my Rachel. The guy who sat right under my nose while I tried to make it work with Mr Mate – who, let’s face it, I had zero spark with. Sure, Mr Amazing and I hadn’t actually met and weren’t exactly ‘Friends’. But technicalities are boring and should be ignored. What mattered was that just like Ross and Rachel, he wanted to date me even though he’d experienced me at my worst: At 3am. Drunk. Meanwhile, if you’ve never seen ‘Friends’ you probably have no idea what I’m talking about. Which is okay. (Friendship. Over.)
Date night drew closer and while my excitement grew, so did my anxiety. Because Mr Amazing had said he’d text with date details but hadn’t. Scary. Had he forgotten about it? Had he listened to my drunk voicemail again and realised I’m a bit weird? Had he met the love of his life on the train to work and moved to Mexico with her to live happily ever after?! Argh!
I drove myself insane trying to figure it out. But then I thought f*&k it – I’ll just message him. It wasn’t a crime. It wouldn’t make me any less appealing. If anything, it’d make me seem strong, pro-active, and only a little bit impatient. I could live with that, so I started constructing a super relaxed text just “checking” if he was still up for dinner. No pressure. I’m cool, dude.
The message was really quite lame. But luckily for us all (well, me) I never had to send it. Because as I over-analysed every single word and emoji, a text FINALLY came through from him. There you have it – staring at a phone really WILL make it ring. The text featured a time and location… The location… Where we’d fall in love until the end of time. And move to Mexico. Sorry, I have tequila on my mind.
I was a little peeved he’d kept me waiting ’til the morning of our date. But I forgave him because he chose a lovely restaurant that was just around the corner from me – even though he lived on the opposite side of town. Thoughtful! I started writing a generic response, but then thought: No, this isn’t good enough. His tardiness caused me anxiety and had to be pointed out. So I wrote a cute (kind of aggressive) joke about how he shouldn’t have kept me waiting.
I regretted it as soon as I pressed send, but to my delight he wrote back with a jokey retort which led to much banter and me feeling certain he was my kind of guy. I repeat:
After the texts and multiple outfit changes I got in my little red car (literally) and drove to our date location. I got there a bit earlier than him, which was a blessing because I got to see him walk through the door – and look around for me like a total fool. In fact there was an Indian girl sitting a few tables closer to the entrance and he started making his way over to her (is that racist?)…
I was tempted to let it play out but decided not to be cruel. (Sorry!) And so, I waved him over.
On a side note, it must be so hilarious to work in a restaurant with all the online dating nowadays. I would SO relish in all the awkwardness. But I guess it’s usually me being awkward, so I’ll shut up now.
Anyhoo, Mr Mate smiled as I waved and started approaching. With all the hilarity of him almost going to the wrong table, I only JUST realised something: HE. WAS. A. TOTAL. SPUNK. O. M. G.
He’d come straight from work so was still in his suit. He apologised for it but I was NOT complaining – it was rather tight fitting. I know this because he had to get up and go to the bar. I couldn’t take my eyes off him the whole time. I don’t even think I blinked. Not to objectify him or anything, but:
He may as well have walked in slow motion… If only there was a function in real life that made that happen. That is SO going on my list of ‘Things to Invent’. Copyright!
Mr Amazing’s hotness must sound quite wonderful, but unfortunately it turned me into a complete nuff nuff. As soon as he sat down with his wine I knocked mine over. I was mortified, but before I could stab myself with my chopsticks he assured me he does things like that all the time. I felt at peace knowing this super hot, successful and tightly suited man was an un-co too.
In fact, even though his buns were tighter than mine, we had a lot in common. For one, we were both really into our work. Sure, he didn’t understand my writer, freelance, no security kind of thing. And I didn’t understand his money, numbers, security kind of thing. But we got each other’s ambition. Before we knew it we were sharing advice. The waiter came over a few times but we were so into our convo that we hadn’t looked at the menu.
I NEVER not look at the menu.
We finally decided to shut the hell up and order. And then… Mr Amazing suggested we share food. Yikes. It sounds so simple, but I found myself panicking. How would two strangers ever make that work without awkwardness or compromise (yuck). But to my delight, we wanted the same things – made extra spicy. Did someone say SOULMATES?! No? Must’ve just been me…
Needless to say, I was feeling pretty pumped. Mr Amazing was ticking all the boxes. It was so strange… Previous dates had displayed serious issues that I chose to ignore in the hope of falling in love. Like Mr Drainer’s lack of personality. Or Mr Sex Pest’s lack of respect for women. Or Mr Too Cool’s lack of actually being cool.
But with Mr Amazing, there was nothing missing. Believe me, I looked. If anything, I feared he was TOO good for me. But then I told him the urban legend about someone bringing thousands of tarantulas to Australia in a cactus and he thought it was real… So real that he freaked out and swatted an imaginary tarantula off his neck. It was that moment I realised he wasn’t too good, he was just right. Yep, I’d finally have to let down my guard and accept the fact that:
We sat around long after our wonderful shared meal. Then when the violent staring from the staff got too uncomfortable we finally decided to call it a night. Mr Amazing offered to walk me to my car, but I said he didn’t have to because I’d got the rockstar park out the front. We stepped out to see his little black car was parked right next to my little red car. There’s got to be some innuendo in there somewhere…
Anyway you know me well enough to know that my brain screamed FATE and SOULMATES. But I obvs kept it to myself – only for Mr Amazing to rave about how cool that was. Of all the car spots on a busy night in Melbourne…
This man was as un-co, scared of spiders AND as emo as me. I didn’t know what was going to happen next… I could feel him staring at my lips, but he ultimately gave me a big hug and said goodbye.
HOLD UP: Does lip staring generally lead to a kiss? Should I have gone for it? Probably… But my stupid insecure brain made me assume he was only staring because I had sashimi stuck on my face or something.
So I went home without a pash, but with many amazing memories. All I wanted was to see him again. But there was a problem…
Over dinner Mr Amazing told me he’d be away with work for the next three weeks… But that he’d “be in touch” after that.
I’d normally take such a statement as a total blow-off, but a spark like ours HAD TO have been mutual. So I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and wait…