I'm Miss M. Here are some of my Online Dating tips, backed up by my sometimes hilarious, and often disconcerting stories…
It’s been many (too many) months (years?!) since I started Online Dating. When I first signed up to eBay-for-love I knew there would be ups and downs. But I had no idea it would leave me feeling so flat.
It didn’t work out with Mr Mate. And many other douchebags before him.
Is what I told myself. But the thing is, it wasn’t. When you date a weirdo and it doesn’t work out it’s simple. You blame them, laugh about it, blog about it, put it down as character building, and happily move the hell on. But it was different with Mr Mate. He wasn’t weird, he was wonderful. And he did nothing wrong. So that could only mean one thing…
It was me. I was the problem.
With this in mind, I thought back to Mr Amazing – the hottie I’d been neglecting in the name of staying faithful to Mr Mate. The hottie whose email was still waiting for a response. The hottie who loved ice cream above all else. Swoon. But with all of my insecurities fluttering about like poisonous butterflies that want to destroy my soul, I had no idea what to say to him. The best I could come up with was, “Don’t bother talking to me because I will f*$K it up and waste your time.” But that didn’t seem like an endearing response. So I left it.
Still, I couldn’t give up. Being the only daughter of Indian immigrant parents, I have it embedded in my brain that I must succeed at everything, always, forever, no matter what. Or I am worthless. So no matter what, I had to find my dating mojo and get back on the horse. (Yes, I am aware my parents probably didn’t leave the Motherland so I could date strangers… Baby steps people!)
With newfound determination I did what any normal (slightly alcohol-dependent in tense (most) situations) woman would do and got my girls together for a night out. Woo!
The plan was:
1. Look fabulous.
2. Feel fabulous – nothing like girlfriends for that.
3. Muster up some wit/ spark/ any semblance of a personality.
4. And flirt the night away.
So with all the confidence and happy vibes, we hit the bars and got ready to socialise. It’s a lot harder to meet people out these days. They’re usually glued to Tinder on their phones. Or at home shagging their Tinder love of their lives (love for the night). But everyone’s phone must’ve been out of battery on this night, because heaps of dudes approached for random conversation. Sounds awesome, huh? Me, dudes, vod, and conversation. Well, it should’ve been. But something was wrong. I had forgotten how to talk to boys.
I was bewildered by my lack of verbal coordination. But my girls, who thought it was hilarious, made me soldier on. They were so awesome. And suddenly I didn’t want to talk to random boys about bread anymore. I wanted to enjoy my time with my friends. They’re the ones who matter after all. So we hit the d-floor and the rest is history!
Or at least I thought it was.
I could’ve just had a lovely night out but nooooo! Of course I had to do something dumb to top it all off. When I got home I had a light bulb moment and decided I should give Mr Amazing a go. More importantly, I should give myself a go with him. Yay for vodka induced self-esteem! Actually, no. No. Because it made me call him – right then and there. At 3am.
The call went straight to his voicemail. This was my chance to back out of this bad decision with a tiny bit of dignity. But nooooooooo! I did something I struggle to do even when sober and left a voice message. Oh dear. I can’t tell you what I said because I don’t remember. All I know is that it was bad. Maybe not as bad as the time I drunkenly gave my number to a taxi driver and later feared I’d have to move house because he knew where I lived. But it was still bad.
I woke up the next morning with a hangover and riddled with regret. I thought it was all over before it even began. But then my phone rang.
And it was him.
My first instinct was to ignore it. Mostly because my voice box was ruined and I probably sounded like a man. But in that hasty moment my optimism took over and I answered.
It was weird because we’d never spoken before but somehow he managed to laugh my manly tones off and engage. I spent the first part apologising for calling so late at night, claiming I never do that kind of thing. (Pffft who am I kidding?!) He was a total trooper and said my message was hilarious and that I sounded “fun”. Woah. Not only was this ice-cream loving guy hot, he was tolerant. A very important quality for any suitor of mine.
We continued talking for quite some time. And even though all I wanted was a giant burger and multiple episodes of ‘Sex and the City’, I enjoyed our banter. It was amazing because I don’t like ANYONE when I’ve had that much vod the night before. (Meanwhile, auto-correct keeps changing “vod” to “god”. Ha! Nice try WordPress.)
So the chat went on, and then finally he said the words I’d been dying to hear:
What are you doing this week?
Yay! My dry-spell of like 2 seconds was going to end. I was going on a date with Mr Amazing.
Unfortunately it wasn’t as easy as I’d hoped. The next 5 minutes were spent trying to find a time we were both available. Turns out Mr Amazing was even busier than me. And from all his businessy sounding commitments, it seemed he was very important and grown up. Which is another plus – yay for ambition.
We eventually locked in a dinner the following week. And my nights in between were spent dreaming about how freaking fabulous it would be.
Do you think it lived up to my expectations?