I'm Miss M. Here are some of my Online Dating tips, backed up by my sometimes hilarious, and often disconcerting stories…
OMG OMG OMG. So, I was telling you about my third (and final?… maybe… you’ll soon find out) date with Mr Reliable. Here’s the sitch:
I’m at his house. Hungover. Watching The Walking Dead. His cat hates me. God knows why?! And he’s wearing so much perfume that I’m gagging like a teenager after their first bottle of Passion Pop.
Oh, and he’s got me locked in a spooning situation. Which I’m hating. Because he smells. And without the vodka shine I’ve realised I no longer want him to be my husband. Annoying… but better to find out now, than at the wedding.
Seriously though… If he’s this clingy on a third date, can you imagine what he’d be like after years of blissful lovin’ with me?
NO THANK YOU!
So I started searching for ways to tell him it’s home time for me. I knew this would disappoint him. Why? Because, “Come to my house and watch TV” translates as, “Sexy time” in dude language. Did you know that? Because I’ve had to learn the hard way, so to speak. Here’s some news guys… Sometimes we just want to watch TV!
Anyhoo, even though I knew he’d react badly I had to escape. So I bit the bullet and lied about having dinner plans. Sometimes it just has to be done! I would’ve tried the ’emergency call’ drill but my arms were squashed by his torso so I was unable to text a buddy for help… Instead, I broke the news, and moved to stand up.
That’s when his eyes went cold, and I realised his grip around me had tightened.
I asked him to let go. But he simply smiled and said, “Make me.” I think he was trying to be flirty. But it felt oh so creepy. What he didn’t know is that I’m a world-class Zumba champion*. So it was quite easy for me to apply my Zumba strength and break away.
*NB: I’m the only one who thinks I’m a world-class Zumba champion. But that’s okay.
Once I managed to get out of his clingy arms I stepped away to get my bag. But he quickly grabbed my wrist to hold me back. I stood calm and tried to break free of his grip. But he was holding my wrist so tight that it was impossible. Here’s another fun fact about me – I have the daintiest (puniest, wimpiest) wrists in the world. So while I am strong, my wrists are useless. Like seriously, I can’t carry a jug of water to my desk without taking a break halfway to massage my wrists. Poor little things…
I knew I had no chance.
This whole scenario probably sounds quite threatening. But I still didn’t feel an ounce of fear. More than anything I felt annoyed. Why was he making this so difficult? And why couldn’t he tell that every desperate move was killing any granule of attraction that his perfume already hadn’t?!
So just as we’re told to do with a snake, or a lion, or a bear, I looked him in the eye and asked him to release me. That’s what we’re meant to do with scary animals, right? Or are we meant to stand still? Hmm, better put that on my list of things to google.
Either way, I held his gaze. And he could tell I wasn’t mucking around. He found my serious face hilarious and started laughing. All of a sudden he lost all neediness and breezily walked me to his door. Thank God! As we said goodbye, I caught something out of the corner of my eye: His cat. Still on her podium. Staring at me with desperation in her eyes. Begging me to take her away.
Of course I didn’t because that would be cat-burglary. Ha!
Anyway as a life choice, I’ve decided I don’t want to be the person who steals other people’s cats anymore. So I simply walked away. Knowing that I would never see Mr Reliable or his insanely beautiful cat ever again.
But of course, being the creep he was, Mr Reliable wasn’t going to let me get away that easily.
During the drive home I got a text from him: Have a good night dude. I think in calling me “dude” he was trying to play it cool. If that was the vibe he was going for, perhaps he shouldn’t have texted me 5 minutes after I’d left his house. Just sayin’.
I didn’t write back because, well, there was no reason to, dude. But then I woke up to a text the next morning: I hope everything is okay between us. Yikes. It seemed that he’d finally realised I wasn’t feeling it. So I gave him the honesty he deserved and told him I didn’t see a future for us. I’d hoped that’d be the end of it. But noooooo.
What came next was a barrage of texts asking me why I wasn’t willing to give “us” a try. I explained that I felt a bit stifled at his house. And by the continuous texts. But instead of taking a (very obvious) hint he continued arguing that I have it all wrong. He loves his space too. He’s not being overbearing. Funnily enough he couldn’t see the irony in texting someone non-stop about how NOT needy he is.
By this stage I felt like a Grade A Arsehole. So I sent a ‘good luck and goodbye’ text. It oozed finality. It had to work. And it did… Until a week later I logged into the dating site and I saw I had an email from him. He was all cutesy and pretended we hadn’t met before… Seeing I hadn’t written back to that he tried the honesty angle and said he’d really like another chance to take me out and show me that we’re actually really good together. OMG. What was he hoping to achieve?
Nothing. It achieved nothing. Because here’s what I did next: I blocked him. And then started shutting down my Online Dating account. Yep. He’d put me off the Internet love boat forever.
But then an email from a new stranger popped up. And I knew it instantly.
This was going to be a game-changer.