I'm Miss M. Here are some of my Online Dating tips, backed up by my sometimes hilarious, and often disconcerting stories…
Do you remember Mr Suave? The guy I first described as “witty, charming, handsome”? I don’t remember him at all. Because the dude I went on a second date with was completely different. Here’s how it went down…
I spent the days after our first date wearing a pretty hefty glow. And no, not the I just got some! glow. But the I just met someone awesome, who made me feel awesome glow. This variety of glow is hard to find. But I had it. So when it came to organising our next date I took the bull by its balls. Or its horns? Whatever floats your boat…
So rather than playing games and sending lame texts about lame things, I thought:
I had fun. He had fun. Just ask him out.
So I did. And on top of that, I decided I’d organise something awesome so I could spoil him the way he spoiled me on our extravagant lunch. That’s right, I ain’t no gold digger.
What was the plan?
Gold Class! Where we could sit on comfy couches, gorge on burgers (and sundaes and champers), and get up close and personal (with hand holding and cuddles) if the vibe permitted. Awesome! Right? Surely that screams wife material?!
He was up for it, so it was on. Yay!
I arrived at the cinema and he was already there waiting for me. He wasn’t as dressed up as the first time. Which hit me initially, but I told myself it’s cool. It’s just the movies. Who cares if I’ve worn my heels because I’m not hungover? He’s still beautiful… So I trotted up to him with a big grin, but he barely smiled. It’s okay. He’s just had a big day at work. He’s tired.
I hugged him to say hello. He gave me a limp tap on the back in return. The limpest tap on the back known to man. I was thrown but determined not to let his apparent lack of enthusiasm faze me. Sure, I’d had a massive day at work too. And I still managed to pull it together. But whatever.
So I did what I do best, and rambled. I had to! He went all weird and quiet. Can you believe the dude who chewed my ear off through an eight course degustation suddenly had nothing to say? I found myself feeling a little bit glad we were seeing a film.
Anyhoo, we walked up to the bar area where you order all the deliciousness for the film. This would surely pick up his mood.
But no. He looked over the menu and chucked it on the table in front of me, disgusted at the prices. Yikes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning the ridiculous prices of cinema food, but COME ON. You are allowed to splash out every now and then.
He defended his attitude by saying he’d rather spend the money on actual good food. Like we had on our first date. I guess I could see where he was coming from. Cinema burgers aren’t the same as salmon souffle with a side of snob. But once again, COME ON! I tried to gently assure him he didn’t have to worry about the moula – this one’s on me.
He resisted my generosity, but I pushed, so he looked at the menu again and ultimately decided it wasn’t worth it. He wanted to order a drink for during the film (boring) and quickly grab dinner somewhere else.
My plan was unravelling before me. Still, I played it cool and agreed.
We ended up getting fast food. Not ideal, but still yummy. And who cares anyway? As long as you’re in good company. But unfortunately that was unravelling too.
As we ate, he started bragging about a jacket he wanted to buy. A branded jacket (I’m afraid to mention the brand because I’m about to say mean things). He wasn’t sure whether to get it not because it was $800. So the dude who can’t enjoy a $24 burger wanted a $800 jacket?! Ok then.
I felt deeply uncomfortable talking about it. Not because I don’t like talking about clothes (bring it!) But because the way he went on about money was really icky. It’s like the dude who was proud of his Audi on the first date had turned into a materialistic monster.
What’s worse is that when I was clearly disinterested he pushed harder. Yep, he googled the jacket and took me through images of it. From different angles so I could bask in it’s glory. But it was so f*^king hideous and douchey. I didn’t know what to say. So I had to lie to his face and say it was hot. Awkward to the max.
I quickly changed the subject, which led to him venting about how much he hates judgemental people on social media. Hell yeah, buddy. I feel ya! Finally, something I could relate to.
Until I asked him to elaborate and he explained that he hated people who got “sensitive” about online racism. He was mixed race himself, so I thought he might reveal some deep insight into how racism is actually anti-racist or something. But no.
He meant that he hated it when he’d share racist memes with friends and people (with brains) get offended by them. His argument was that we should be able to share whatever we want without judgement. I agreed with that. Until he showed me some of these “hilarious” memes. And I wanted to vomit up my cheap burger in his face.
He went on to suggest I didn’t understand the depth of the comedy. Oh, so I don’t like racism because I’m not smart enough to get it?! Okay, sure mate. You’re a dick.
But I didn’t say that. I stayed polite. And instead of running a mile like I should’ve, I made myself stay and watch the film. How could he possibly offend me in a dark cinema where he can’t talk?! Oh, he found a way.
Because every time a semi-clad chick came up on the screen, he did a weird grunt thing. I don’t know how to describe it. It was like, Ugh. Read that word out loud. That’s what it sounded like. It was so gross.
As soon as the movie ended I got out of there. He seemed equally eager to say goodbye. And that’s fine. I don’t need to be liked by EVERYONE (just most people). But here’s the burning question that bothered me the most…
WHY THE F*&K DID HE SAY YES TO THE DATE?!
He was clearly so NOT into me that he made an effort to bring out the absolute arse-end of his personality. Why would you put someone through that?!
And how could his feelings for me do a complete 180 between date one and date two? Had he met someone else? Was he put off by my keenness to see him? Did he have a problem with me paying for him? Is that a thing? Because an old boss suggested that could be the reason (yes, I talk about this stuff at work all the time).
His rejection made me feel pretty bad about myself to be honest. Like that time at my school play in India, when I wanted to be the Bollywood Princess, but they made me the Elephant. Screw you school! I was three years old.
Blinded by all this confusion and feelings of being the ugliest person in the world, I failed to see how his behaviour was actually his problem. And not mine.
I only had to deal with one night of his bullshit. He was stuck with it forever.
I refused to let his dickheadedness keep me down for too long. But I did decide to take a little break from Online Dating. It was all getting just a bit too tiring.
But of course, that didn’t last very long at all…