I'm Miss M. Here are some of my Online Dating tips, backed up by my sometimes hilarious, and often disconcerting stories…
Don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up.
If you walked past my room as I searched the Internet for a dateable man, these are the words you would hear. Maybe also:
WTF? WTF? WTF is wrong with all of you?
As you may have gauged, I wasn’t having much luck. Don’t worry, I’d well and truly gotten over Mr Maybe, but I found myself comparing all of the Internet specimens (see what I did there?!) to the gorgeous Mr Hongi. Sure, we’d only known each other for one night. But he’d displayed all the qualities I love in a man. (Apart from the whole going back to his ex thing).
He was funny, warm, hot actually, an open communicator, an optimist, and made me feel incredible in his presence. Going through the profiles in front of me, no one matched up. And I refused to lower the bar just to go on a date.
Then soon enough, I was approached by someone who (almost) reached the bar that Mr Hongi set. Has my phallic “bar” innuendo worked there? I can’t tell.
I’ll raise your bar 😉
Nope. Moving on…
So this guy started chatting to me, and although we didn’t have a whole heap in common, I soon realised we shared the same sense of humour. This came as a bit of a surprise because his profile seemed kind of serious… he had a serious job, serious photos of himself doing serious things, serious descriptions of what he’s seriously looking for in a serious woman.
But as we’ve learnt, you can’t judge a dude by his cover.
So I went with it and we arranged to have a coffee on a Sunday morning. It was an ambitious meeting time considering I have this magical power where I manage to find an excuse to get hammered on a Saturday night. No matter what.
Still, I promised myself I’d pull up okay in the morning.
Of course I failed. Dismally.
After a night out for a close mate’s birthday, I woke up on Sunday feeling like DEATH. My first thought was to cancel on him, but then the fairytale addict in me took over:
What if he’s the one?! You don’t want to miss your chance.
I pulled it together, and made my way to his cafe of choice – with the thought of a breakie burrito getting me through every step.
But when I got to our destination, I was distraught to find that the “cafe” was in fact a little bakery that was full of sweet things (I hate sugar when I’m hungover) and a crappy little coffee machine. But I sucked it up, ordered a coffee, and dreamt of getting a nasty burger on my way home.
Due to my sleep deprivation and starvation I found myself in a state of delirium. Mr Oops (the reason for this name will become clear soon enough) went from funny to hilarious.I was having the time of my life. And if it wasn’t for my rumbly tummy, I could’ve sat with him all day.
It seemed he shared my level of enjoyment because about an hour after our coffees, he asked whether I wanted to go for a walk around a nearby park. I was so torn. I wanted to spend more time with him, but I also wanted to spend time with a burger. Plus I knew a walk would be tricky because I’d worn heels in an attempt to appear sexy when I felt like shit.
But what if he’s the one?!
Okay inside voice. We’ll go on this stupid walk. Sorry stomach.
But damn I wished I’d listened to my tummy and not my heart. Because mere minutes into our walk, I did one of the most embarrassing things possible on a first date… Yep.
I stacked it.
And this wasn’t a cute oh I slipped in the meadows and now I’m going to gracefully roll down the hill kind of stack. I fully fell. Face first. Grazed my hands. On the gravel. While we were crossing the road.
I was actually scared for my life. So much so that I grabbed into his leg to get myself up and almost pulled him down with me. But thankfully he was too strong and managed to stay upright.
In an attempt to save face I simply laughed at my mishap. Thankfully he laughed along with me. Don’t you think it SUCKS when you fall over and people actually worry. Argh it just makes you feel stupid. But no, his laughter lead me to believe we’d be able to move on. But then he said something… Words you NEVER want to hear on a first date:
Are you bleeding?
I’d managed to rub away the speckles of blood on my hands, so I had no idea what he was talking about. But then I looked down to see that I’d scraped both of my knees – to the extent that the blood was seeping through my jeans. Hot.
All of a sudden the heels weren’t feeling so sexy.
I could feel the blood dripping down my shin, and had no idea how to stop it. So I did what any normal person would do… I had an internal panic attack, then grabbed a piece of bark from a nearby tree to wipe the blood away.
Now if that’s not sexy, I don’t know what is.
I don’t think he quite knew what to do with himself, so he awkwardly watched me and then suggested we sit instead of walk. This was a great idea. Obviously. But I was so embarrassed and frazzled that I idiotically insisted we keep walking. I think was afraid of appearing weak or something. I don’t know.
Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.
Because soon into our walk, Mr Oops said some more words you never want to hear on a first date:
Mum and dad? Hey!
I followed his gaze to see a lovely elderly couple walking towards us. And it wasn’t long before I realised they were his parents. Oh dear.
Another internal panic attack for me, and I think he had one too. Especially when his mum checked whether I was the “lovely internet friend” he’d told them about. Every fibre of my being wanted to laugh but I held it in because I could tell he was freaking.
So after shaking hands with his parents (with my still grazed hands) I engaged in small talk, trying to be gracious as possible.
He eventually cut his enthusiastic mother short and we continued on our way. And even though he was apologetic, I was glad the balance had been restored. I’d made a dick of myself by falling over, and he was forced to introduce his first date to his parents. We were definitely even.
The walk continued, until we made it around the park and back to the dreaded road crossing. He kindly offered to walk me to my car and I accepted. And then he jumped in shock. I had no idea why, until I looked to the other side of him and saw a lady had attached herself to his arm.
She was another elderly lady, not his mum this time. At least I hope not because she was wearing a backwards Harlem cap and carrying a skateboard.
What in the actual F*&K was going on?!
He asked her the same question in much nicer words. And she put on a baby’s voice and explained that she wanted to be his friend.
I was sceptical, but lovely Mr Oops gave her the benefit of the doubt and asked if there was anything he could do to help her. To this she responded:
I love you. Stay with me forever.
Yikes. How was I ever to compete with such emotional availability?!
I don’t know if it was because he’s the nicest person in the world, or if he was trying to impress me, but he played along and tried to find a way to help Skateboard Lady. It was cute, but not a good idea because it encouraged her to keep following us. To my car.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for helping people in need. But Skateboard Lady was giving me very dark vibes. Maybe it was the fact she held tightly to his arm as we walked, while death staring me. Or maybe it was the fact that she kicked my car and told him I was bad?
Either way, I refused to compete with her.
All I really wanted to do was jump into my (totally undeserving of a kick) car and go straight to the burger shop. But I continued to play nice and asked Mr Oops whether he wanted a lift somewhere. Skateboard lady assured me he didn’t. His eyes said otherwise.
So I stuck around until he finally convinced the lady to skateboard away.
Then it was just the two of us. And we couldn’t help but laugh.
We agreed the day was a disaster, but something we’d never forget. It was like the experience had bonded us, but I wasn’t sure if it was in a romantic way, or a we survived a war together way.
I guess only time would tell…