I'm Miss M. Here are some of my Online Dating tips, backed up by my sometimes hilarious, and often disconcerting stories…
WHY IS ONLINE DATING SO ROYALLY F@%KED UP?!
I’d finally met a decent bloke and he was moving to Germany? That had to be a joke.
But no one was laughing.
And to make matters worse, my love life in the outside world was going dismally as well. Yes, despite my internet efforts, I’d continued meeting randoms in bars/ through friends etc… Sometimes a girl just needs a party pash!
One such dude had approached me on a night I least expected it.
I’d had a massive dinner with my mates. We were stuffed and it was definitely home time, but of course we kicked on for cocktails. And that’s when I felt someone’s eyes on me. I looked up to see a ridiculously cute guy. So cute that I was convinced he was only staring at me because I had something on my face. A trip to the mirror proved this theory wrong. I was so confused – there was NO WAY this guy was ACTUALLY checking me out. Did I mention I’d eaten so much that I had to undo the top button of my jeans? Gross. I’d obviously given up on life.
But then the dude ingratiated himself into our conversation at the most inappropriate (or not?) of times. We were discussing how many dates are appropriate before taking a relationship to the next level (sorry, so not a creative innuendo!). And no, this is not the only thing I ever talk about… One of my mates actually needed advice because she’d gone on numerous dates and was wondering when the sexual healing was going to reveal itself. So to speak.
Anyway, it turned out this hot man had balls too. He simply looked me in the eye and asked how many dates would be ideal for me. I, of course, played it cool as a cucumber and said 100.
Instead of running for the hills, he took it on the chin and we drunkenly started planning our 100 dates. (I secretly imagined how this would be the perfect plot for my next film script). But then he put his money where his mouth is. Actually, he put his mouth where his mouth is and surprised me with the most sparkly of kisses. I felt tingles all over. And it had been a while since that’d happened!
The drinking and dancing and pashing continued (my fave things). And although most of my buds had gone home, I found myself having the most incredible time with him. He was a landscape gardener so carried a hint of creativity (and a good set of arms), but not enough creativity to make him bat-shit crazy like a writer. It was ideal really, and it wasn’t long before I started picturing us writing a best seeling gardening book together. The ultimate power couple. Hot.
The night went on… and soon turned to morning. And when we said goodbye, I felt truly connected to him. It was his fault. Being a Kiwi he did that Maori forehead thing to me. Google tells me it’s called a Hongi. You touch foreheads and tips of noses as a form of greeting. But it’s pretty much like your sharing souls. Just like cats.
Over the next week we stayed in touch about planning the next date. Because I was severely turned on by him I’d agreed our night together could count as date 1, so he only had 99 more to go. He just laughed. And called my bluff.
But then, as fate would have it, the conversation came to an end. I wasn’t sure why. And then a week later, my phone rang. It was him.
He explained that he thought I was a “top chick” (insert gorgeous Kiwi accent here) but the night we met he was recovering from a bad fight with his girlfriend. I had a fairly normal response to that: Your WHAT?! He went on to explain that they were “on a break” back then. But had since decided to stay together. I’ve watched ‘Friends’ way too many time to get involved in a “on a break” scenario.
But seriously, WTF was going on?
Could I have any worse dating luck? Being superstitious (and Indian) I had to put it down to bad relationship karma. But that made no sense… I’ve only ever been in one big relationship in my life. It was wonderful, but then it ran its course and ended as amicably as these things can. I hadn’t done anything bad by him (except for being an emotional roller coaster, but hey, that’s what your early 20s are for!) So looking at my karma calculator, I thought I should come out even, if not on top. So that couldn’t be it.
And that’s when I realised there was nothing / no one I could blame. Not even myself – which is a bloody scary state of affairs but also kind of liberating.
Sure Mr Hongi turned out to be a ridiculously short love story, but it was a lovely one nonetheless. And I really hadn’t lost anything. We’d only met once, while drunk, and I hadn’t even started drafting our gardening book yet. Yes we’d shared a Hongi. But not every Hongi lasts forever.
So when he called to “end” things, we made unnecessary small talk. I eventually cut it short and thanked him for his honesty. I could tell he was nervous talking to me, so I appreciated the fact he stepped out of his comfort zone to give me the gift of knowing where I stand. It’s surprising how many people don’t have the courage to do that.
And so why am I telling you this longwinded story unrelated on Online Dating?
Because it taught me to trust in the timing.
Mr Hongi arrived in my life and made me feel attractive when Mr Maybe had left me feeling like chopped liver. I know his Germany job had nothing to do with my appearance or personality, but I still felt rejected by him.
Also, Mr Hongi reminded me about the excitement tingles. I definitely didn’t have those with Mr Maybe because he was always just that – A MAYBE. And that is never good enough. So Germany happened for a reason. Those impromptu cocktails after dinner happened for a reason. And whatever was going to happen next would be for a reason too…