I'm Miss M. Here are some of my Online Dating tips, backed up by my sometimes hilarious, and often disconcerting stories…
After the (stupid) disaster that was Mr Drunk I was feeling fairly disenchanted with the whole Online Dating thing. Looking back at who I’d met through the sites, I couldn’t help but think: These guys are weird, non-commital and annoying. I’ve got enough of those in my day-to-day life… why sign up for more?
I was ready to call it quits. Yep, that’s right… I was going to tear that profile right down and go back to believing I’ll meet The One at the library or when we accidentally fall on top of each other at the Supermarket. I fall over a lot, so the latter isn’t as ridiculous as it sounds.
But then, out of the blue, I got a text from Mr Too Cool .
Hey, sorry I’ve been AWOL. How’s things?
The old, naive me would’ve been thrilled. But no, the new disillusioned me thought: He’s been missing for weeks, while I’ve had to deal with a drunk tosser (not Mr Too Cool’s fault, but still) and now he thinks he can waltz back into my life with a meaningless text like that? It’s like his ego simply needed to remind me that he still existed – just to keep me hanging on.
I should’ve ignored him.
But I guess I wasn’t THAT disillusioned yet. So I wrote back a short reply, but I didn’t ask him a question in return to keep the conversation going. And that my friends, was my version of being standoffish. Go me.
My tactics seemed to have worked because he wrote back straight away with some blah blah blah about how busy work had been… he’d been meaning to get in touch… but it’s too hard to find three seconds in his self-important existence to contact a girl he’s supposedly trying to woo. Blah.
I didn’t have much to say in response, but I did want to know why he was contacting me. Was it to engage in bullshit texting, or did he actually want to hang out and see where this was going? I racked my brains for a non-pushy way to ask this, but I couldn’t come up with one so I went with blunt honesty instead:
I can’t figure out if you want to catch up again or not? So I’m just going to ask.
Being subtle has never been a strong point for me. But what do you know… he wrote back in record time saying he’d hoped I’d be free the following weekend because he wanted to take me somewhere special. Looks like a bit of pushiness scored me a date – and shook him up enough to actually pick a venue this time instead of asking me to meet him on a street corner.
I was looking forward to seeing him, but don’t worry – I didn’t start practising my new signature with his surname or anything. I’d learnt to expect the worst from these internet boys so I wasn’t going to jump the gun.
Our date day arrived and I showed up to his venue of choice – a seriously spunky new bar on the water. It was beautiful. And I felt right at home in my effortless (not really) bar wear. The plan was to have a few drinks, but I brought my car with me in case the date fizzled. However I was equally prepared to leave it there if the night got boozy and fun.
He looked incredible, and was more charismatic and smiley than I had remembered. The conversation was relaxed, flirty and free-flowing… as was the vino. He made witty jokes – and stupid ones (which I love so much more). And with lingering eye contact he even managed to give me that spine tingly feeling… Something I hadn’t felt in AGES. All-in-all I was pretty glad we gave each other another chance.
This could really be something.
But then, he said words that made my heart sink:
I can’t have another drink because I’m meeting a mate for dinner soon.
I decided not to take it personally – so what if he’s made plans to cut our date short? Maybe his mate’s visiting from overseas and he has NO CHOICE but to have dinner with him. MAYBE he really wants to stay and drink we with me, but he just can’t.
So I sucked it up (my dented pride and the rest of my wine) and gave him a hug goodbye. It was a pretty amazing hug… the type that goes for far too long. The type where your bodies are so close that when you pull away there’s no doubt you’re going in for a hot and steamy pash… because you just can’t help yourself. OMG it was like I was 15 again.
This could be my first internet boy kiss. Woo hoo!
But instead, he kept holding me and whispered:
I can cancel my dinner if you want to come back to mine?
It sounded kind of propositional, which I didn’t exactly mind because I was ridiculously attracted to him. But I wanted to hang out and get to know each other better – through conversation (first). So naive old me ignored the squinty sexy look in his eye and suggested we get some more drinks… Maybe some food? But then:
Nah, don’t worry about it.
And that’s when my attraction to him died a fast and painless death. Was he for real? Was he saying he’d only stick around if I went back to his house – right there and then? His guard went up and:
Yeah I’m just really busy…
Meaning: So I’ve gone to all of this trouble for a quick shag. I’ve created an internet profile, sifted through the talent, emailed you for weeks, texted you for months, and gone out on dates with you – FOR A SHAG.
It didn’t make any sense. He was an attractive, socially apt dude. Surely he could’ve met a meaningless romp at a bar – why go to all that trouble? And if that’s not strange enough, did he really think an ultimatum would work in his favour?!
I’d met him twice (once out of total coincidence) and I was sober. Sorry pal, no dice.
So I told him he should enjoy his dinner and we parted ways.
Memories of how cool he was before he turned creepy kept me hopeful he’d get back in touch and ask for another genuine date. And he actually did – but after a few weeks I was kind of over it. And the thought of seeing him again made me feel like I’d be doing myself an injustice.
I guess it’s good I saw his true colours before it was too late – before I’d developed actual feelings. And maybe in many ways I should commend his honesty? I don’t know… I think I’m trying to find the positives in all of this mess.
But sometimes, the positives show themselves when you least expect it….