Hearts Online

I'm Miss M. Here are some of my Online Dating tips, backed up by my sometimes hilarious, and often disconcerting stories…

Tip#5: This Ain’t the Time to Booty Call

Simple advice. But sometimes hard to follow… Especially after a few drunks, I mean drinks.

After being a complete douche-face two Fridays in a row, Mr Drunk got in touch the following morning with a text message that matched his prior arrogance and stupidity:

Hey sexy lady. What you doing today? I really want to meet you. 

I ignored it.

Then a little later I got:

Hello?

Kept ignoring him. So he tried (once again) to wipe the past:

Hi. Hows it going? 

As entertaining as it was, I starting tiring of him interrupting my day so I wrote a polite text to decline his “efforts”:

I’m not interested in catching up. Sorry, but it’s been too much of a stuff around.

But I don’t think he quite got it, because he immediately got back to me with:

You free today? 

This verified my thoughts that I was dealing with the simplest man on the planet. But as it turns out he was actually a GENIUS!

You see, if he’d just let it go like a normal person, I would have forgotten about him. I had a friend’s birthday that night, so I would’ve gone there to see my buds and not given Mr Drunk a second thought. But because he’d been so idiotic I just HAD to share the story and text messages with my friends. Which meant he stayed alive in my mind while I was on my way to becoming Miss Drunk. Never a good thing.

Everyone was amused by his antics but also enraged by the way he had treated me. So of course, we joined forces to vent our anger:

I’m sorry, but you’re an idiot and it’s going to work between us.

Can you pick the typo? Turns out a bunch of drunk girls suck at texting too. So I quickly (after a mild freak out) wrote back to him:

*NOT going to work between us. I meant NOT.

Oops.

And so the night went on… And he wrote several messages asking for a second chance. As I got drunker, my messages got angrier. Until I got so drunk that I started seeing sense in his arguments. Oh dear. Damn you vodka.

So I finally started hearing him out. If he wanted to make it up to me, how was he going to do it? His idea:

Walk… Talk… Fun times with laughter 

Oh come on! I didn’t reply, so then:

Or I can come over and make it up to you right now

Was there any chance of this happening?

The signs pointing to yes:

I’m drunk. The single boys in the bar are ferals. I’ve looked over his photos and am attracted to him. I’m naive and impulsive enough to believe that spontaneity can lead to great romance.

The signs pointing to no:

Well, there’s one obvious one – I’ve never met him. Oh and the even more obvious one – I’ve never met him, but I know he’s a jerk.

The sober me knows this would’ve been a stupid thing to do. But I have to admit, the drunk me considered it for at least ten minutes. I guess talking to (texting) him for almost a month made me feel like I did know him. But because we hadn’t actually met yet I hadn’t had the chance to run my creep radar over him and suss out whether he had the axe-murderer twitch or the “I own 99 ferrets” smell.

It’s a strange one, because things could’ve been different if I’d met him out that night rather than online. He’d still be a stranger, but at least I’d be following my instincts, not simply hoping he’s okay because his internet profile said he was. To be honest, I didn’t actually think he was going to throw an axe or a ferret at me. But I knew that he’d never be able to give me what I want (a loving relationship) and I wasn’t willing to give him what he wanted (sex, and probably another beer).

So when do we know when it’s the right time to booty call? 

It’s simple… Just ask yourself:

What do I want?

There are times when I am absolutely up for some unexpected fun. But is that why I started online dating?

No.

All the safety factors aside, I had to ask myself… Did I scrutinise over my profile, sift through a stack of virtual men, and invest hours of my time in text communication – for a random hook up?

No.

There was my answer. So that’s what I wrote back to Mr Drunk.

no booty call

He continued texting through the night, and for about a week afterwards. And then randomly about a month later. But I stuck to my guns and ignored him.

It was a pretty easy thing to do considering most of his messages made ZERO sense. Also, the fact that Mr Too Cool popped back into my life didn’t hurt either…

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This entry was posted on March 6, 2014 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , .
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