I'm Miss M. Here are some of my Online Dating tips, backed up by my sometimes hilarious, and often disconcerting stories…
Are you excited for me?! This post must mean Mr Too Cool finally got his shit together and asked me out, right? You’ll soon find out…
As much as I was enjoying our futile text communication I finally started tiring of Mr Too Cool’s lack of initiative. Repeatedly telling a near-stranger about your day at work and what you’re having for dinner really gets old, fast. So I decided to cut my losses and end our non-existent relationship. But before I could make such a big move I naturally needed to obsess over it – with a girlfriend, over brunch.
We mulled over my options and she agreed that Mr Too Cool was most definitely not my future husband. It’s tough to get married when you don’t ever see each other. For me, this was a sad conclusion (he had a really nice smile and sparkly eyes) but it was for the best. So we toasted our decision with a second round of coffees and moved (waddled) to the exit.
And that’s when fate twisted like it’s never twisted before!
As we stepped out of the cafe, I nearly ran into some dude – some tall, handsome dude. Some tall, handsome TOO COOL dude! It was him! Ah!
I had an internal panic attack (which was probably written all over my face) and said a clumsy hello. He stayed cool and pulled me into breezy conversation about the weekend. And that’s when I realised everything I was saying sounded stupid so I deflected by introducing him to my friend. It seemed like a smart idea, until my mole-face mate plastered on an infuriating smile and exclaimed that she’d, “Heard so much about him.”
We’d been on ONE DATE! Way to make me look cray. I’m not, I promise. But I don’t think I helped my case when I tried to backtrack by arguing she hadn’t heard THAT much about him, just a little bit, actually, barely anything at all. Why oh why did I miss the part of school where they teach us think before we speak?!
He just laughed it off and wished me a good day before continuing to a table. But since I don’t possess his ability to keep it together, I moved about two paces onto the street before screaming, “That did not just f@%#ing happen!” And then I remembered I DO possess a severely loud voice – and the cafe’s still within earshot. Oops.
Despite the embarrassing nature of our encounter, I was certain it was a sign from the Universe. Mr Too Cool and I were meant to be. Seeing me again would convince him of this fact, and he’d call me that night to ask me out on a date.
Is this how you imagine our “romance” playing out?
Remember to think before you answer…