I'm Miss M. Here are some of my Online Dating tips, backed up by my sometimes hilarious, and often disconcerting stories…
So, if you’ve read about the first half of my date with Mr Sex Pest, you’d hopefully understand why I was squeamish by dessert time (with absolutely no double-entendre attached to “dessert”). Still, I told myself that if I made it to the end of dinner, it’d be character building – like running a marathon, or being hung off a cliff by the skin on your back.
But what happened next left me speechless…
He accidentally knocked his glass of water and it went all over me. I jumped to action and grabbed a serviette, but was surprised to see he wasn’t at all fazed. In fact, he was smiling. I wanted to have a go at him for his lack of manners, but before I could say anything, he said, “At least I got you wet on the first date.”
I didn’t know whether to slap him, or high five him. You see, I have a pretty dirty mind and a joke like this amongst friends would have me giggling for hours. But it seemed kind of misplaced on a first date. I couldn’t let him see I was amused, so I stared at him in horror and excused myself to the bathroom – where I finally let myself laugh.
Then terror kicked in. If he said one more gross thing, or smiled at me in his feral way, I might just kill him. And then I’d go to jail, which would suck. So I looked for an escape and saw there was a tiny window I could fit through. But of course, I told myself to get real. No one actually climbs out of toilet windows to escape a date. Especially not someone as uncoordinated as me. Plus, I had to be brave. I had to face this problem… And give him a piece of my mind.
I walked back out to the table and warned him not to say a word – it was his turn to listen. Mustering up all my courage, I told him that his behaviour wasn’t impressing anyone. Tone it down, or I’m leaving.
And it was like magic…
The grin disappeared from his face, and he apologised profusely. His excuse was that I’ve got a good sense of humour (obviously), so he thought it’d be okay to muck around. I told him mucking around’s fine, just don’t make me want to vomit. He agreed, and all of a sudden it was like I was having dinner with a different man. He even stopped trying to get me drunk. (Yikes. It’s a sad state of affairs when that’s enough to keep you interested in someone).
Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you this was enough to win me over. I am never, ever going to be Mrs Sex Pest. Despite the more charming (less disgusting) side of him, I was relieved when it was time to go home. And I don’t think that’s ever a good sign.
He offered to walk me to my car, but I remembered I’d parked in a quiet lane and declined. Guys like him are the reason nice guys walk us to our cars. I wasn’t willing to risk it. But like with everything else, he was persistent. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get rid of him, so I offered to walk him to a cab instead. At least that way we could keep to the main road.
It was a quick walk and he took the opportunity to ask me about my family. I gushed about how gorgeous my parents are and asked about his. That’s when he said, “My mum’s gorgeous too. But my dad left when I was two.”
And that’s when my saviour complex kicked in.
This explained so much! The poor guy was forced to grow up without a male role model. Maybe if his dad hadn’t abandoned him, he’d be different? His pretty face looked so sad all of a sudden. And my heart went out to him. I told him he didn’t have to talk about it, but he said he’d like to, “Maybe when we know each other better?”
How do you say, “No,” to that? You don’t. So I nodded uncomfortably and sent him on his way.
The drive home saw me singing along to 90’s ballads (my fave) and thinking about how I could help Mr Sex Pest be a better person. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing? He’d be healed. I’d be happy. And our kids would be really cute.
Soon enough, it was bed time for an exhausted little me, until – Beep. Beep.
What was that?
That was the sound of my phone receiving a text message…
“Hopefully next time I charm the pants off you, your pants literally come off.”
Oh dear God. Are you kidding me?! Saving his soul was going to be a lot harder than I’d imagined.
So did I see him again? The answer might surprise you…